Messy

  In this new part of my journey, I speak often about cleaning up your mess.  I make mention of being messy and fake.  Well, I am going to share something emotional and even scary.  This past weekend I was working on my book, almost complete. 
   In my journey through Womanhood, I have hurt people although unintentional.  That is because I was hurt, insecure and inadequacy. I chose to adorn my self with many thing, mostly a false sense of SWAG. Hair, nails, clothes, shoes even the way that I walked and talked was used to cover up all of the things that I didn't want anyone to know about me.  I am talented,smart. I can do anything, unfortunately, because of my insecurities, hurts and inadequacy I never completed anything. I could incomplete the hell out of anything. I have learned that I was fearful of succeeding. Stupid,huh.
   In 2008, I moved to Charlestons,SC to be with the man that I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with, Adrian.  Six months after moving here, on his birthday he broke up with me.  Still in 2009 and 2010 I was still hurt and missed him. We kind of tried to work things out but I still had my issues. Just another example of me starting something that I didn't complete.  I got into another relationship,Jay. A whirlwind, the chemistry, connection and emotion took me by surprise.  It actually took us both by surprise.  Three weeks into us dating he said he was looking for a wife. Six weeks into the relationship he wanted to know if I had thought about spending the rest of HIS life with him. He was 10 years older. After 4 months of dating, NOT mating(no sex) , he asked me to be with him exclusively.  He wanted me to have a child and I was willing to consider having this man's child. Alas, because I was incomplete on the previous relationship...I got an incomplete on this one.
   So back to the emotional scary thing.  I have learned that I have to apologize for what I have done wrong and thank the person for what they meant to me.  This past weekend I sent a text to Adrian.  I really wasn't sure how it was gonna go but I had to make a mends in my heart.I I text that I really appreciated him in my life, thank you.  Although it didn't work out I accept my responsibility.  He text he was sorry and thank you...he should have handled us better.  I cried. I cried like a big baby.  I was able to speak my heart. Two days we text. I don't know how he felt but I know I was happy and sad.  Towards the end, to me, it was comfortable. I felt FREE.
   Next, I text Johnathan. He didn't respond at all but that is typical...lol He was a hokie pokie personality. Not the kind of man that I was used to being with.  He had good qualities but he had things that I didn't particularly care for.  Then I called my younger two children's dad.  That was a mistake.  Sometimes when cleaning up your mess the person that you are trying to clear your mess with doesn't want to let it go. That is THEIR issue.  So finally, to clean up my relationship mess, I am going to call Jay.  I am not really prepared for that but I wasn't prepared for Adrian either.
    You have to do some hard things to move forward to your newness.  I don't want to sweep anything under the rug anymore.  I don't want to just shove my mess in the closet and force it close and hope that my stuff doesn't come tumbling out.  I have finally gotten so tired of incomplete that I have decided to complete.
  So stop adorning yourself with STUFF to cover up your mess. Fix your mess and to become who your were created to be.